What a Fucking Year to Journal

There are only a few days left to this year. It's both naive and optimistic of me to believe that 2017 will mark a fresh start, but the flip side is far too dark to think about. 

RIP Carrie Fisher.

Not George Michael. Please, No.

I'm a quiet crier for the most part. One thing this year has taught me about myself is that as soon as I start crying hard, after hearing horrible news, it can sound like I'm laughing at first.

fuckinghell

The fact that Danielle, Nanny and Granny have passed away this year fills me with grief.

Danielle - The Warrior

Nanny - Our Rock

Granny - The Peace Maker

Christmas is a rather depressing thought.  

Husband's Home

Seth's back from a business trip. I worried before he left. I mean, fuck this year, right? I was over here worried about worst case scenario, a basket case, reduced to thinking of my life without him. Well, he arrived home last night, and I feel so relieved.
The weather has been been cloudy (gloomy for several days, and today's my fourth day off of work since they cut pt hours) but mild for late November.
I've been sick. The windows have been cracked, I've been lighting candles, and reading.
About to make our crock pot useful.
Back to work tomorrow.

This piece of Kimchee looks about how I've felt lately.

Haiku (Storm)

Abundant grumbling

Harsher thunder growing near

Again, more lightening.

Too Sensitive

My mother is still claiming that I'm "too sensitive" a week before my 37th birthday, and decided to unfriend me from her Facebook page, today.
Right.

WTF, America?

2016; officially the worst year of my life.

Sleepy.

The last time I napped, I woke up to a flooded apartment. It's bad enough that I've developed a phobia of our washing machine, even though it was replaced. (I'd rather run it when my husband is here.)
The dish washer also makes me nervous. And now I'm anxious at the very thought of napping. :( 
I'm sure I'll get over this one day.

Somewhere on the Spectrum?

I'm so emotional watching this Autism Documentary. (The link shows where I paused to write this entry. Not sure how to correctly share from the beginning.)
I was born in 1979, and always seemed to have struggled through school.
I'm a visual learner, and always seemed to thrive one on one teacher time, but received less and less as the years went by. There was just so much I couldn't grasp. In high school, I was put into, then switched from Learning Disabled into Emotionally Disabled classes. 
To this day, I need to be told specifics as to what is expected of me when introduced new duties at work. One of my favorite memories include the smell of coffee coming from a teacher's assistant sitting close to me in elementary school, helping me do my school work.

I remember having meltdowns. The first one I remember having in school was at the end of 5th grade when I was awarded an award by the principal, but I adamantly refused to accept it; ran to the bathroom and cried and cried. When the principal came in after me, I admitted to feeling like they were just giving me award to be fair. I didn't want their pity, and I didn't feel as if I earned any award.

I need verbal praise to be content.

Methodical, and tedious work calms me to the core. Seeing immediate results is also very soothing.

Before

After

Perhaps I am on the autism spectrum. Perhaps not. HF Aspergers? Many of the high functioning characteristics resonates with me. My past makes much more sense in this light.
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Delayed Entry

Our trip to Virginia for my cousin's wedding went better than dreaded. TSA lines were tolerable. Most importantly, we all sat together on both flights.

Being asked to be the second photographer was such an honor. 

The weather's cooling down.
Autumn is my favorite season; took long enough to get here. And this year fall has a greater meaning- We're finally nearing the end of the depressing 2016.
auk Wiedersehen! 

The winters in Minnesota last far too long, but I'd rather winters here than humidity.

Flooded, Feeling Down & Reading, Reading, Reading.

I woke up to find our washing machine had been stuck on the fill cycle, and a flooded carpet as I returned from having dozed off. This happened in late August.
Our apartment complex gave us a guest suite on the first floor for the four days we waited for both the water to be sucked up, then dried away by massive industrial sized driers that had been placed underneath the ripped up carpet.
It was nice being in the same building instead of having to go to a hotel or something.
My 17 year old insisted on remaining in the wind tunnel which was our apartment. Said he liked pretending it was his own place...

We will be attending my cousins wedding in Virginia, which is on Oct. 8th. She wants me to take photos along with a friend of the family.. whom I believe doesn't like me anymore, since he has un-friended me on Facebook. We got along before to where he actually gifted me my telephoto lens.
I really wish Facebook would give notifications when people unfriend you.
So, we'll both be shooting the wedding photos. Should be a blast.

Honestly, I've been depressed more than not. But, I am thankful for all the good that comes my way.
Especially loving that it's finally fall.

I've been reading a lot, for me. I'm only five books away from my 2016 goodreads goal of 40.

I'm currently reading The Casual Vacancy by J.K. Rowling. This book has pretty low reviews, but everyone that I follow on Goodreads has given it 4-5 stars. My husband thinks it's because people were expecting another Harry Potter. And something about her using a pseudonym, I think? I don't know. People can be so fucking petty.

(I should talk about petty. Ha. I don't want to read the Harry Potter series because I simply dislike Daniel Radcliffe's face, and that alone has ruined the idea of reading the books. It's the opposite of One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest where Ken Kessy mentions Randle's red hair on several occasions, and I was like, nope. Jack Nicholson's hair is brown, and loving the imagery of Mr. Nicholson as the main character.)

I'm nearly a hundred pages in and really liking it so far. If I hadn't been so sleepy last night, I wouldn't have been able to put the book down.

Before this book I had just finished reading Norm Macdonald's first book titled Based on a True Story; A Memior. I loved it. I love that it made me laugh during a time when I really needed it.
I said it was his first book in hopes that this won't be his last.

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Yates

Stories written by Richard Yates is all I've wanted to read, so he is all I am reading. Carl Sagan's writing in Cosmos is fascinating, but requires more brain power than I feel like exhausting at the moment. At first I felt bad about putting it down, but it is what it is.
I forgot to take my pills most of Monday. It was after 4 when it all of a sudden occurred to be that I was fucking sad. Smh.
I always forget to take my pills on Monday being that Mon. is my first day off, and my leisurely mornings means I don't have food under later in the day, so I forget.

I can't wait to for this Monday; looking forward to my three day weekend, and planning to take my damn medicine so it won't be spoiled by more sadness.

 "It was like walking through fire, but they did it quickly and with what anyone would have said was perfect composure, heads up, eyes front, so that the piano only came up loud for a second or two before it diminished and died behind them under the rhythm of their heels."

– Richard Yates

The Collected Storied of Richard Yates

Asshole

If you invite vegetarians and vegans to dinner, and they bring their "own protein" like asked, why would you then proceed to tell them vegetarianism doesn't make sense? Seriously, shut your fucking mouth.
You don't understand why some people choose to not eat animals? Really? Then do some research. Don't be an ass.

Missing Warmth & Comfort

Yesterday's blog went on about how I want to escape. I forgot to take my second St. John's Wort pill, and even though I took it later in the afternoon, it just wasn't working for me. That, or I'm just sad.
Just before going to bed extra early, I thought about how D. and Nanny both  were constant comforts to me as a child. To have lost them both in the first half of the year, along with my other grandma is pretty fucked up.
Why would I even question my sadness? Of course I'm sad.
I believe the word is grief. I've entered the acceptance part of the grieving process.

I've never really been close with many people. Danielle, (I keep calling her D., but fuck that. Her name was Danielle.) Nanny, and on occasion, my other grandma Granny made up more than half of those which I was close with.
Nanny and Danielle were especially warm and honest to me growing up. 

The world feels colder without them here.

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Iridescent, Rainbow Holographic Things

I have a fiend-like desire to go to •Lush•. I want to replenish my Karma soap, and a couple of lovely bath treats.

Ordering online takes too long, but I don't want to drive to MOA, as my husband has alway driven me. It sounds kind of crazy to go there just for Lush. 

Times are dark enough where I'm steadily self medicating/escaping by means of St. John's Wort, and endless hours of reading, usually much of that time in a sweetly scented hot bath. 

I'm on the edge of asking Seth to take me. It is a half hour drive, and I just don't have the heart. 

Maybe I'll just place my order online.

The last book I read was •Gone With the Wind•

•my review•

I'm now reading Carl Sagan's •Cosmos•  "The only planet we are sure is inhabited is a tiny speck of rock and metal, shining feebly by reflected sunlight, and at this distance utterly lost."

My back's gone out on me a few times, and I've missed work because of it. Today is my technically Monday, but in Jen's world, it's my Friday/beginning of a three day weekend, and my left side is hurting.

 I just need more Lush. ✿◕ ‿ ◕✿  

Speech Stealer

Some people are wanting to blame the speech writer for Mrs. Trump's failure, which is a thought that had not occurred to me before hearing that excuse.
In my heart, I feel like nothing like this would have happened to the current first lady, because she would have have recognized the prior first lady's words. 
Michelle Obama is an intelligent person, and because of this, I'm betting that she actually researches any and all speeches that are given to her to read publicly. 
Based on this one detrimental incident alone, Mrs. Trump appears so very vapid, but then again, what kind of person would marry the mean spirited, adult five year old that is Trump?

Hypericum perforatum

For me, St. John's Wort, or Hypericum perforatum, is a miracle pill. Of the several different brands that I've tried, most were too weak and didn't do much. So far three have worked absolutely wonderfully. 
The first one that I loved was the was Target's store brand, but they ended up discontinuing it, which I'm still kind of pissed off about. Another good one is Nature's Plus with the purple cap~The one I'm currently taking is The Vitamin Shoppe's store brand, and it's pretty much amazing.

S.J.W has been the most remarkable resource for lightening my mood. Today was turning into a rough one. I was becoming more upset by the hour, looking through pictures on my computer of the three beautiful ladies whom I loved, which passed away this year.
Mourning is of course completely normal, but I am prone to slipping into deep depressions, and along with that, have been diagnosed with acute anxiety. 
Around 1pm, after an eagle-eyed thought of what I must look like crying, and not really feeling okay at all, I suddenly realized that I hadn't taken my morning pill. I immediately got up, and remedied that. Half an hour later, and here I am having mango tea after having washed up the dishes, and tidied the kitchen.
I'm generally a hell of a lot more productive, and less sad when I remember to take my medicine, and I wish that I'd stop forgetting. I know the plant doesn't work for everyone, but I sure am thankful to have access to something natural that works, and for the relief that it offers.

A sad little sunflower from Virginia.

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Going to Virginia

There are so many out there mourning my grandmother's passing because she touched so many people's lives. 
Nanny was a down to earth (grand & great grand) mother, and care giver. She was determined, honest, strong-minded, and loving. 
The way in which she raised children was pretty much the definition of tough love.
Talking to several people, I think it's safe to say that her passing away was practically a life changing event; all of our hearts broke a bit upon hearing the news. 
We love you, Nanny.
✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨
Our taxi to the airport should be here in a little under an hour. My husband can't make it, but my son is coming along. 
Nanny's service is set for tomorrow at 11am at the church she frequented. Tonight, we're going to my aunts house to prepare a 'picture board'. Yesterday, I shuffled through all of the Facebook photographs I have of her, then picked up the prints from Walgreens last night. 

I cry, then stop, then cry some more. What did it for me this morning was the thought of them doing an open casket. Not sure what's going to happen, but to see her again would be good for me, I think.
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Nanny

My mother called a while ago. She had spent the 23rd through today visiting us up here in MN.
When she called this evening, I was thinking she wanted to let me know that she 'd arrived safely, but she informed me instead that my father's mom had died.

My father's mom who helped raise me, my brothers, along with other grandchildren, a bulk of the neighborhood, some of her great grandchildren, and even more children still.

Her methods were strict, but caring. Consistent lunchtime, nap, and snack time.
Tuesdays were pizza (delivery) days.


The thought of going back to Manassas now that Nanny has passed away is exceptionally heartbreaking.

Time Off/Mom's Paying Us a Visit

One last, quick update on the offended girl at work because I'm tired of thinking about her.
She seemed fine when I offered her a ride home a couple of weeks ago. It was the weekend, so I had the car, and she was standing outside. After she turned me down, I said okay, bye,  and walked away. She hollered  back 'have a good day', in a nice sort of way. I said 'Thanks, you too!'
Since that day, she hasn't spoken to me, and I haven't the energy to approach her again.

My mother has just arrived at the airport. Her next steps are to rent a car, then come to our apartment.
Then she'll check into her hotel room.
She will be our first visiter up north, and it's her first time traveling alone, so it's exciting.
 My son is elated to see his grandma, and I wish I were a better host, as I don't have much planned for her short visit. She's here until the 27th.
We plan on going to the Mall of America, which is an excellent idea, as is the biggest mall in America. Plus, the Rainforest Cafe is open after over a year of being  closed. They moved it from the ground floor up to the third floor.
My husband and I went there on the 17th for our eight year wedding anniversary. Their 'Natural Burger' is vegan, and thankfully tasty.
RC also has a few vegetarian meals. I think mom's gone vegetarian, or at least, on her way.

Rainforst Cafe has loads of animal products on their menu. Which seems counterintuitive when we're talking  mimicking a rainforest, as their restaurant does with their animatronic animals and pretend thunderstorms. (The lights dim out, lightening strikes, and the fake animals go crazy instead of seeking shelter.)
One would think they'd want to head toward the vegan route in attempts to educate people about how the rainforests are under threat, and dwindling thanks mainly to animal agriculture.
But, money is with the animal industry, as people can't seem to get enough of animals on their plates, day and night.
I digress.

If mom wants to, we could go strawberry picking. My boss, and coworker came  along with me to Wyatt's Strawberries last weekend, and we picked our own.
I walked away with a little more than eight pounds of strawberries.

Other than MOA and Wyatt's, I have nothing else planned. :/ Time to do some research.

Vegan

The deceased could be seasoned well, marinated, fried, baked, sautéed, or grilled. I'll never stop seeing the before 'product'.

Leisurely

After the shitty week I've had, the word of the day is leisurely. 
I've cleaned the bathroom. Put away the clean dishes that were in the dishwasher, and about to empty the sink of the rest. Cleaned out Kitty's litter box, and I'm dying over the grey as I type.
I read a little of my book, and will probably finish it before bedtime. It's afternoon already, but a few more household chores will be done, including making something for dinner before the day is out. All at my leisure. What a beautiful word.
Why have I had such a shitty week?
A newish girl at work, at the next table over, overheard me say the word 'nigga' as I relayed a story to the coworker on my immediate right.
The story was about how my son called me 'nigga' the week prior in my kitchen in a conversational tone. I was shocked when he called me this, and told him not to use such language. How someone might take it personally, or badly. My son tried telling me how everyone at school used the word, but I didn't care.
The girl at work was indeed upset after hearing such a word at work, and told management. Which, I cannot blame her. I felt like shit thereafter, and to this day, I'm not entirely sure why I said the word out loud. I mean fuck. It's just fucking laughable at the end of the day. An exhausted, eye rolling laugh. When I told my son about this he just said it wouldn't happen to him because he's half black and he laughed, and laughed. -_- I had to laugh, too.

The girl quit after working an hour the next day, then came back a few days later, and is still not speaking to me.

-_-

Fuck.
So, I'm taking it easy today. I've beat myself up enough.

*EditI must state the fact that I apologized to her
that day, just before she left. I told her I was sorry, and that it want not malicious. I guess my apology was not good enough

( _-_)

What a way to start the year, with a new years resolution to maintain a journal, when the beginning turns out to be really shitty.
Death of loved ones is never easy, but in hindsight, I'm happy to have recorded my feelings.

I feel the need to work on my optimism because it feels like I've just been waiting around to see if any other horrible things are to come in 2016, even thought I know it's unhealthy. Been feeling stagnant. Sad.

The past few weeks have been spent at the doctors office. My tennis elbow. My son's dislocated knee. Then, my husband had to have a bit of skin removed from his neck as a precaution.

Feeling guilty that I have yet to sent Nanny her birthday gift.  ( _-_)

On the plus side, we're all healing.
Seth has taken an interest in cooking. Tonight was his second time making risotto. Both attempts were successful.
I'm hoping to get my grandma's b-day present mailed out to her by Friday, then I'll try and overnight it. Because guilt.

I'm dreading the summer humidity even though it's nothing compared to Virginia, what with those low air quality days. I'm still wishing I could just skip ahead to fall.

It does not help that in the backroom where I work has a messed up air system which resets itself every hour or two with heat. Fucking hell. It felt like 90 degrees on Sunday morning when I walked in. It was 84.
The place was not only hot, but like my emotions, the air quality was poor; Stagnant.
Someone thought it be a great idea to place heavy boxes directly in front of the control panel, and so now, in order to just the air conditioning, one must move the tall, heavy obstruction forward.

Tall, heavy obstruction mentioned.

 By doing so, my tennis elbow flared up. It had been feeling pretty okay the week prior. Smh. Now it hurts, again. -_-

Trying to keep positive. At least I was off yesterday and will be off tomorrow. So happy to have my old schedule back. I need a damn break.

He's Nearly an Adult

In the past few months, I've had two dreams about my son being a toddler. The one I remember most is where I'm walking through a grocery store(?) shopping for Fisher Price toys, because for some reason I had not given him any new toys for a very long period of time, and felt guilty. The other one was of him falling asleep in my arms.
Time has gone by quicker than I could have ever imagined.

Missing VA's Warmth & Not Temperature-Wise

The majority of people I've encountered in Minnesota have had cold personalities. Minnesota 'nice' is actually a lot of passive aggressiveness, and straight up rudeness.
 (Oh, you don't want to hold the door open for others? Oh, you don't say thank you when others hold doors open for you? Oh, you want be pissy over nothing at all, then back down when confronted?)

I have been missing my VA people more and more as time slips by.
I'm miss realness.
 I've found myself clinging to anyone even remotely warm.

 Like the third and final doctor I've chosen after going through three miserable sons of bitches. I am actually afraid I'll lose her, and then be forced to seek someone else I can warm to. (I need to ask her if she's from here, and I'd be surprised if she was.)

I have found some really great gems up north.
Sad to say the majority of them spring from other parts of the country.

Actual warm Minnesotans are more than gems, though. They are like expensive truffles in a fine dinner prepared by someone else. A rare thing indeed.

Fall in Virginia

9/11

I was working in Navy Federal Credit Union's inbound Mortgage & Equity Lending call center on 9/11. I didn't know anything had happened until some point after both towers had been hit. The call center was vacant. A few people were still there watching the events on a small tv at their desk. The calls ceased. The first caller I got within 10 minutes of learning about what happened said, with what sounded like a shit eating grin, "It seemed like a good time to call".
I remember being absolutely petrified. NFCU headquarters is in Vienna, VA. Not too far from the Pentagon. 

9/11 - 102 Minutes That Changed America

Avid Reading

The quenching process of reading an amazing book in less than 24 hours is much like a seriously parched person downing a quarter gallon of clean iced water. It's only sensible to continue.

Thunder is Normal for Springtime

A thunderstorm this morning feels like a relief after the winter we've had. It's so strange that I have to keep reminding myself that it's spring after a few weeks of nice weather. It's as if the winter has scarred me somehow.

If there had been more snow, the harsh temperatures would have some purpose in my mind.

Freezing cold like that without snow is like a record breaking summer with low air quality days without the reprieve of rain.

I'm back on my old schedule, and it feels fucking fantastic.

The thunder is getting louder.

I'm about to make pancakes and coffee. Seth is home form work because of my doctors appointment. I need to have my right elbow checked out. It's hurt for months, and has gotten worse instead of better.

••• Old Schedule •••

 Man, oh man.
Am I happy that someone changed me back to my old schedule this week? Hell yes!

 I didn't know until yesterday during break, while quickly checking to see if I had more than two days off.  When I found out that I'm off today and tomorrow, I was absolutely elated!

I've been on the new schedule for two weeks, and have yet to adjust. (see previous entry)

I'm thinking I'll speak to my boss.
She had asked if I'd mind having two consecutive days off, but on other days than Mon. & Tue., and being the agreeable fool that I am, I agreed.

But, now I'm not so sure.

Whatever happens, I am relishing my time off today and tomorrow.

The evening sky mirrored my happiness. 

Dreams & Hazelnut Coffee

Last night, I dreamt that Nanny's back went out, and she was bed-ridden. Everyone came back to VA to help her. Even dad from Florida.
It was a pitiful sight to see her unable to move.
Then, my husband was wanting to use a wooden fold away table with gold embossing to read his iPad, but the thing kept sliding down and wouldn't stay propped up. (As it slid down, it became Alice-in-Wonderland small, then became regular size when brought back up.)
Apparently this was right around the time Nanny made a miraculous recovery, and she came to see what he was doing.
She fixed it straight away.

My husband dreamed that he was climbing on the inside of a tree. There were some kids around when he reached the top, and his grandpa scolded him about being a bad influence. Also, he was looking for me, and couldn't find me. He ended up sitting next to someone he thought was me, then got up to search more when he realized it wasn't.

•••••••••••••••

I'm nearly finished with Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar, and downloaded Ariel last night for when I am finished. I love her writing.

Air plants in Florida. They cost so much $ here, but they grow freely there.
I took some home, and want to get glass containers so I can give them as gifts.

Working today. Wish I still had my Mondays and Tuesdays off.
-_-
One good thing is we made goal yesterday, and they gave us all jean stickers, so I'm wearing jeans today.
Another good thing is I got a pack of whole bean hazelnut and vanilla coffee from Cub Foods yesterday, and it is delicious.
A third good thing is the St. John's Wort is working really well, so I picked up two bottles which were buy one get one free, and now have plenty in stock. 

I'm glad I'm taking SJW, because I'm not sure if I'd be able to read so much Plath otherwise. It is a bit depressing, but more than that, I find her writing to have they type of flow that I get lost in.

S.J.W & Dreams

Spring break is over. We went to Florida to visit my husband's grandparents. The day after we came back, N. had an appointment to get contacts. That was his birthday gift. He is over the moon about not having to wear glasses.
I am dumbfounded. How the hell do I have a seventeen year old child?!?

My days off have changed from Mon. & Tue. to Thur. & Fri. Kind of sucks because we leave a half an hour early on Fridays, so I'm now missing out on that Plus it was nice to be off after having to close Sunday nights.

Taking St. John's Wort is helping a lot. I normally take two pills a day with my food while I'm at work. Then, somehow I always forget about taking them on my days off.. which is a big reason I get so damned depressed when I'm off. I had been rationalizing that I was down about having to return to work, but honestly, my job ain't so bad.

Somehow I'd never put two and two together, but I took the capsules yesterday and today and am feeling alright.
Let me say that I am a lover of dreams. And, the dreams are vivid on SJW, and I love that aspect.

I've dreamt of Granny once. She had a pillow of air between her chest and throat which helped her remain afloat in the lake we were swimming in. She was with Larry, her husband. Then we were alone walking along a trail. (A somewhat strange image since she hasn't walked that freely for years.) 
She was explaining she had some land she wanted me to have.

I've had two dreams about D. The first dream was telling me it was indeed my second dream that I'd had of her, but I realized when I woke up that my dreams are fucked up, and that it was in fact my first dream starring her.
I can't really remember the rest of the dream, but the second one was essentially me following her around Irongate in Manassas, VA. It was around dusk or dawn, and resembled our relationship pretty well.

I dreamt of our new store manager. Todd. I was in 'my' apartment, which was a space I've never actually been to. I was surrounded by 'thugs'. About 10 of them, and they were my friends. Maybe six of them were helping me tidy up the place when I got a call saying that Todd, in my dream he was the owner of the apartment complex, was about to come over for supper. Well, I freaked out because the place was not yet clean. The rest of the guys started to help.. but I wasn't so much worried about the apartment being spotless as I was about having 'thugs' hanging out in my place when Todd got there.

Update on reading•
I just started reading The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. And, after the first chapter, I must say that Doreen is reminding me of D. with her light hair, blue eyes, intuitiveness & demeanor. I could imagine D. dressed in all white, illuminated by the neon lights in the bar.

My engagement ring chipped. :/ So, I am ringless.